Misunderstood and Shamed!

 

  DO NOT STOP FIGHTING

 

 

 I get so overwhelmed with anger! Fast to anger with things around me that are out of my complete control.  Anger is defined as  "strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility". I believe ever since I became ill with this incurable idiopathic disease there is truly one emotion that brings me the most anger. "BETRAYAL" and this emotion is a trauma , a life-altering shock that happens with in the body .  We search for questions, answers and help from medical specialist thinking we'll get support from them.  But this system is not able to help, its old in its treatments and actually leaves most if not all their patients like myself with horrible options . There Doctors in the field of treating Menieres and any Vestibular disorders they slowly break you down putting most into taking harsh drugs that leaves us incapacitated and we think this is our only way to survive.  When it is NOT.  However we don't understand that because we are overwhelmed and Betrayed by our body that we do not notice we are being Betrayed by the medical specialist in which we put our trust in. I often think how can we blame them these Doctors that care for us? How can we blame them that they only care to work within the status quo and I am just another patient for them as I feel they do not see any longer the individualism of the uniqueness each patient they see and I look at that and I can't be truly helped so I suffer a lack of proper care, a lack of proper attention and totally over time I'm disregarded .   With the inability to cope with many situations over the years it was just easy to completely shut down parts of my mind , including the ability to focus and take the handful of pills (doctors treatment plan) to stop the madness. Like I have said before , this thing is indescribable. Its like a demon that just takes over whenever it wants .  It drops me to my knees . It puts me out for minutes to hours, to days. I couldn't open my eyes for hours or sometimes days, It's pain like you can't imagine. The world just spinning all you can do is curl up into the darkness and take the pills. Pray for it all to STOP!  Moments where time just stopped for me and the world went on without me. Over the years different doctors had different theories to my Bi lateral Menieres , then to my Vestibule disorder, then when I developed fibromyalgia great another incurable idiopathic disease.  I just got more pills and even Botox which medically is used to treat certain musculus condition by temporarily paralyzing the muscles. BETRAYED once again I kept getting very ill with such treatment and the specialist at Mayo kept putting more treatments dosing till i developed Botox Flu as a side effect and then became toxic,  I felt Defeated once again no root cause found to help me. More doctors poor choices in treating me leading me to having more issues.  I felt neglected, discarded by these Neuro-ontologest and BETRAYED by them.  It angers me and frustrates me for I know they know the harm they do!!    Neurotology, Otolaryngology and ENT  Doctors I have seen throughout my 15yrs are still guessing how to treat us who have these diseases that has decided to invade our body. Its insane to think this disease has been around since 1860 thats 162 years and these specialist are still doing savagely cruel and exceeding brutal barbaric invasive treatments with horrible results.  However one could be lucky and find a fantastic self-reliant well educated doctor in this field that's open to explore more non invasive treatments that could have real positive effects.  I was BETRAYED by several top medical specialist over the years and ended up moving my whole family half way across the country to California to a Menieres Specialist  just to find out that putting T-tubes in my ears and blood thinner would stop alot of the Menieres Madness and Vestibular migraines.   In my mind that shouldn't have had to happen!  This is where my Fear of questioning the "WHY" started and my hesitancy in trusting Doctors in previous care I had received .  I refuse to bow to the anxiety of this disease called Menieres and the others. However another question is can I bow down to the anger that is inside me? To all the Betrayal that I have gone through ?  The trauma from it all might be just to great and to tall of an order.  However, I cannot let this fear hold me back from my destiny!