I think everyone has to go through a time when they get told a diagnoses. Whatever it might be everyone had their own way of dealing with handling it. When I got told 8 years ago that I had Melanoma we caught it early . That it was going to be ok if I did 1, 2, 3... The big "c" At the time I had a 6 month old baby. But I did 1,2, 3.. all of it and in my heart I knew I could handle feel like crap on days and pretend that all was good even when I wasn't that well.. The pain that course of surgery and the chemo whatever it had to be I did and believe all was ok and it was.. My Faith has always been strong my lord has never given me anything I couldn't handle but I feel myself question this one?? I used to be a person that just dealt with it got it done and went on. This bi-lateral Menier's disease I can't pretend isn't there it effects everything i do everyday and it effects my family. It hurts and I resent it! This Dizzy, spinning, forgetfulness, brain fog, bobble head, ringing jet ears, feeling like I am drunk all the time sucks and that is the part that makes me so Angry ! I can't FAke being OK. I think everyone goes through a grieving process and its true, I have gone just right into being angry.. This picture just shows how much I feel today my eyes are all over the place i can't seem to get them straight and my head feel like someone is pulling it apart and it just looks like an Angry picture how I FEEL
... What do you see in this picture ? Who am I ? where did I go ? When is this ride going to stop? I am Frustrated and full of guilt that I can't help my kids when they sometimes need me. The weather efforts me sometimes so bad . Can't I suck it up ? When the day is over for them and they need me that's just it ..Can I, suck it up and pretend to be Normal ? So far NO.. I am angry and anxious that every morning that I never know if i am going to be able to hear or stand up at all and feel normal. My Normal is going to have to be different than everyone else! Is there anyone else out there that has the same feelings like I do ? I HATE THIS !! and I know that there are people out there that are judging me through this blog and telling me to just pull my big girl panties up and deal with what is going on and go on with life. I hope that they can put there judgments aside and pray for me instead. This does not kill you . This will not kill me !. RIGHT But it is a disease all the same .. .. But it just might drive me crazy I fear losing my mind , losing who I am ..
Proverbs 3 5-7 ...
Attitude toward the lord "Trust in the lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely on all your ways be mind full on him and he will make straight your path. Be wise in your own eyes, FEAR the lord and turn away from EVIL.. MY EVIL= is my ANGER!
