Misunderstood and Shamed!

 

  DO NOT STOP FIGHTING

 

 

 I get so overwhelmed with anger! Fast to anger with things around me that are out of my complete control.  Anger is defined as  "strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility". I believe ever since I became ill with this incurable idiopathic disease there is truly one emotion that brings me the most anger. "BETRAYAL" and this emotion is a trauma , a life-altering shock that happens with in the body .  We search for questions, answers and help from medical specialist thinking we'll get support from them.  But this system is not able to help, its old in its treatments and actually leaves most if not all their patients like myself with horrible options . There Doctors in the field of treating Menieres and any Vestibular disorders they slowly break you down putting most into taking harsh drugs that leaves us incapacitated and we think this is our only way to survive.  When it is NOT.  However we don't understand that because we are overwhelmed and Betrayed by our body that we do not notice we are being Betrayed by the medical specialist in which we put our trust in. I often think how can we blame them these Doctors that care for us? How can we blame them that they only care to work within the status quo and I am just another patient for them as I feel they do not see any longer the individualism of the uniqueness each patient they see and I look at that and I can't be truly helped so I suffer a lack of proper care, a lack of proper attention and totally over time I'm disregarded .   With the inability to cope with many situations over the years it was just easy to completely shut down parts of my mind , including the ability to focus and take the handful of pills (doctors treatment plan) to stop the madness. Like I have said before , this thing is indescribable. Its like a demon that just takes over whenever it wants .  It drops me to my knees . It puts me out for minutes to hours, to days. I couldn't open my eyes for hours or sometimes days, It's pain like you can't imagine. The world just spinning all you can do is curl up into the darkness and take the pills. Pray for it all to STOP!  Moments where time just stopped for me and the world went on without me. Over the years different doctors had different theories to my Bi lateral Menieres , then to my Vestibule disorder, then when I developed fibromyalgia great another incurable idiopathic disease.  I just got more pills and even Botox which medically is used to treat certain musculus condition by temporarily paralyzing the muscles. BETRAYED once again I kept getting very ill with such treatment and the specialist at Mayo kept putting more treatments dosing till i developed Botox Flu as a side effect and then became toxic,  I felt Defeated once again no root cause found to help me. More doctors poor choices in treating me leading me to having more issues.  I felt neglected, discarded by these Neuro-ontologest and BETRAYED by them.  It angers me and frustrates me for I know they know the harm they do!!    Neurotology, Otolaryngology and ENT  Doctors I have seen throughout my 15yrs are still guessing how to treat us who have these diseases that has decided to invade our body. Its insane to think this disease has been around since 1860 thats 162 years and these specialist are still doing savagely cruel and exceeding brutal barbaric invasive treatments with horrible results.  However one could be lucky and find a fantastic self-reliant well educated doctor in this field that's open to explore more non invasive treatments that could have real positive effects.  I was BETRAYED by several top medical specialist over the years and ended up moving my whole family half way across the country to California to a Menieres Specialist  just to find out that putting T-tubes in my ears and blood thinner would stop alot of the Menieres Madness and Vestibular migraines.   In my mind that shouldn't have had to happen!  This is where my Fear of questioning the "WHY" started and my hesitancy in trusting Doctors in previous care I had received .  I refuse to bow to the anxiety of this disease called Menieres and the others. However another question is can I bow down to the anger that is inside me? To all the Betrayal that I have gone through ?  The trauma from it all might be just to great and to tall of an order.  However, I cannot let this fear hold me back from my destiny!  

  

Flying Sky High .....January 24, 2013 Test to be able to fly on a plane after tubes put in and 10 months of minears treatment new medicationVerapamil which is an L-type calcium channel blocker.


I was nervous and anxious . Full of emotions so many running through my body I felt like I was going to explode.  Today was the day I was going to get on a plane without any drugs since I was diagnose with Minears 4 years ago.   No Valium , no muscle relaxers, no motion sickness meds, no wheelchair!  It's time to be strong and find out if this new Minears treatment I have been on has worked.  Time to fly sober and find out if there will be pain and horrible pressure or will there be nothing..  My blood is pumping, my heart is pounding and it's time to walk down the hallway to the plane.   I'm in my seat with my aunt next to me giving me support.  I grab her hand . The plane moves and it's ready for take off .   I hold my breath say a prayer ask the Lord to help me be strong. before I knew it we are up in the air.  I wait looking around nervously waiting for pain to overcome me .  By the grace of God nothing happened it was Fabulous I was so overwhelmed.  I looked at  my aunt ,still holding her hand and said I have nothing no pain I am ok !  We both smiled ,my aunt B is such a rock and so kind.  We both cried it was nice because she knows how much that moment right then and there meant to me.   In that moment I felt free, unchained from this disease that has held me down to the ground for years. I am amazingly no  longer in that drugged up, pain, hurting and head spinning vertigo world!  I might just be free of that Minears Monster!

Moving To California Less Dizzy But not Happy

After 3 years of this disease taking over my life and being dizzy and feeling out of control. After much thought and praying I have decided to move to California to a climate that is better and where the atmosphere pressures are stable most of the year around here. The pressure here in Southern CA is 30.30 which is wonderful and when they have a low pressure come through it goes down to a low about 29.00 which for me is high. We are taking a chance on this move to help me get back on my feet and start living a life without so much drugs and without so much sickness. I know its a big deal to move my family all the way out here and leave my whole family behind me in Kansas and all my friends its so hard to do. I moved out here to CA over 4 weeks ago and since I have been here my head is more clear and I am not as dizzy. Everyday I am less dizzy I have to say I am happy to finally feel for the first time in years not like a drunk. I still have the ringing in my hears but the dizziness is so much better and the pressure in my head in my ears is so far better then anything else its amazing. ITs what I have prayed for right... But the realization of moving here has hit hard on me. WHAT HAVE I DONE! IS IT WORTH IT? All things take time that's what everyone says it will take time to get used to being alone and being out here in Ca but I truly hate it here i miss home so much it hurts. My kids are so unhappy it hurts my heart to see them suffer because of my disease. This stupid MD takes and takes and takes its like I can't seem to win the fight. I feel like I am running away from it but it keep finding me for a moment here in Ca I feel good inside for the first time in so long I feel like I can go and not be worried about the weather the pressure and my being dizzy so much that I can't see. I long to be steady, calm, even-tempered. No matter what happens I will not be afraid, I will not be easily upset, I will not give up hope. These are all thing I want to be and feel. I want to feel steady in my own body again. I want to be calm in my emotions and mind. I pray please God I don't want to be afraid anymore I want to be strong and I want hope in knowing that God is taking care of things for me. My hope is that moving here will be that i go into remission for my meniere's so lets see how things happen .. Here's to the New Part of my LIFE

Invisible Handicap?

I am plagued by a forgetfulness and a lack of concentration is that a handicap ? I could park my car at the big wall mart parking lot and totally forget where i put it why ? Is it the medication I have to take to keep me standing up because I have this silly Menieres. Its an "invisible handicap" I tell myself when I park in those handicap places when I am not feel well. But do those of you out there feel that way? I wonder with those people looking at me thinking "she doesn't look disabled to me!" I try my best not to park in those spaces only when i don't feel right or when my memory isn't working right for me. Most days I want to tear my hair out. Its more of a loss of the ability to know how I feel for the day, As if i stand some days the floor feels like its pulling out from under me.. This week has been hell with pressure has been so low that I have been in bed for almost 5 days. The loud noises with the storms have been horrible and to top things off I have had really bad migraine's that have come over and left my head and body in torn to pieces.

I am chronically put of balanced when i walk or move. this weird feeling I have right now.5 days of nothing but true yelling and thinking and praying God I have thank you for an awesome bed. 5 days of my life Topsy-tuvy motion with pillows all around as I thrash around in pain Everyday it just wears on me down . Everyday it just wears on me! I long to be able to walk normal again , to feel normal in balance and not feel drunk all the time. My head is just full of pressure , my ear hurts , imbalance what a horrible feeling and all the anxiety that come with this stupid disease. I feel low today I i pray I want things to go away lord please take this horrible thing away from me ..

Feeling Invisible

Its been awhile since i have written. I had a bad attack that sent me to bed for a week after a very low pressure system came. My head packed in ice and pain killers and muscle relaxers and my dear friends that could came over and babysit me all day taking me to the bathroom and giving me ice chips. Recovering from that attack took awhile but as aways the ringing in my ears and the pressure in my ears still there and on some days its just hard to even function. Its been hard to sleep once again I have tried a different pillow, different positions, reading , praying , even tried warm milk (which I am not fond of). I take 5 different medications that cause drowsiness one of them an actual sleeping medication. Every night I swallow downers that would take a horse down and yet every night well most nights I sit along with my tinnitus when is bad it will even wake me up from my sleep and keep me up. I am still physically in this world but feeling totally disconnected from it . The days when everyone is living their lives all I want to do is nothing , crawl back into bed and beg God for him to take this ringing out of my head. I feel invisible , exhausted and I want to do things , I need to keep doing things but deep down inside I don't have enough energy to go. I feel like I float through my day , existing here among my family and friends. I ask God . Will I Suffer for long? Will there ever be relief? Will I ever know of a normal day again ? please stop the ringing and my head hurting LORD help me find REST!!

Down and out

I knew it was going to be a hard going out to dinner I had been not feel well all day the low pressure had been sitting on me all day the ringing and spinning. But I pull myself together and go out thinking I can still do this but i don't get through dinner and it hits me like a blow to the head and everything goes dark and the torture starts . This time it was very hard and hurt so much and I even begged Ed to take me to the ER it hurt so much. The Down and outs of life with MD right now has been a challenged. A low pressure that sat right over us for a few days and it just made my head hurt and that the pressure was going to blow my head off my shoulders. This time I ended up in bed for a week with no memory of the week at all . I know that I had my wonderful friends sitting next to me helping me . But what bothers me the most is the lost time the no memory of only pain and begging God to take it away. Then I have been having an issue with my new med SERC. Its been kicking up my Asthma I don't know why and its sent me to the hospital twice. I wonder if anyone else has had the same thing while taking SERC .. Well another week and I am looking forward to this week as a blessing ..

Up's and Down's of Weather Hello

Up and down, hot and cold , Rainy and sunny has me a dizzy, ringing nightmare. I can't imagine what i would be like if i wasn't on the SERC medication I think I would be a mess. With Halloween and candy all over the place which is a no-no for MD but I can't help putting my hand in the bowl of M&M jar. But after about 100 of them(I have no will power damn it) I start to feel the results of them in my head and my body becomes a dizzy mess. All of this the weather and candy all of this brings me down to that dark place. I have been home for days and feel like not even like I care to leave. I haven't slept in days the roaring in my ears keeps me awake at night and the pressure in my head feels like 2 boards are being pressed with my head between them and I just know one day my head is going to pop off..
The SERC has been a miracle this I praise God for everyday. I do have to say my vertigo is 90% better and my attacks are so much less. But my uncontrollable tinnitus is starting to wear me down. I feel extreme fatigue and exhaustion all the time. I can't concentrate and I can't remember anything and sometimes I feel disoriented (maybe because of all the hearing problems) all of this I sum up being that I AM MENTALLY TERRIFIED!
Right now with the weather I have muscle and joint pain and malaise due to the atmospheric pressure changes. all of this I am experiencing high anxiety and I get scared that I am going to be someplace by myself and that I will have an attack. I think that is why I am staying home and don't want to go anywhere. This isn't me, this isn't who I am .. where did I go?

Tinnitus Ring Ring......

I have this constant sound in my right ear it never goes away for two years. It started as a high ring and then has moved to this jet roar. Imagine hearing an unpleasant sound all day long. That's enough to drive anyone crazy. Its part of have MD and for me it never seems to go away and on most day I can handle but there are days that I just can't handle it and it gets me down ever herd of a head drill ?? yeah those are the bad days.. Now with the weather turning into fall the nights and mornings are cool and the day are warm and the low pressures are just killing me. I still think the Serc is working its magic on the Vertigo the spinning is in control and my energy is up. I can't sit here and complain about everything because no one would listen to me anyway right . Of course I have given up on all the good stuff my favorite things chocolate and coffee latte's ohh man stupid disease all of these things caffine is a stimuate which makes makes my jet roaring rining worse.. but if its not getting better without the caffine i am going to eat all the damn chocolate i want pretty soon because I can't see it getting any worse than it is. But what about the roaring in my ears any thoughts anyone out there have any ideas how to get the roaring in my ear to go back down to a slight ring ?? I am listening anyone ?

Flashing light and MD don't mix

In las Vegas high pressure zone i felt different for sure even getting off the plane i was different the pressure in the head felt not as hard and the ringing in my ears wasn't as roaring as it is in kansas. So I knew right off the bat that this vacation was going to be great for me and maybe my MD was going to take a vacation itself. But the flashing lights of the sin city did seem to make my MD come alive and i started to get dizzy. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be as long as I didn't look at the light to long and kept my head down but then going into the casino's the carpet made my head dizzy and I looked up and it made my head dizzy OMG not to long its time to go .. Over all I flet the high pressure zone of where Las vegas is it made it easier on me to have a great time even with the flashing lights that Las vegas has to offer. 8 weeks on SERC and going its been wonderful my VERTIGO is down my attacks are to a min when i have them .. The rining in my ears well still there and still driving me nuts ! but at least I am up and not in bed ..

Fall Blessings = SERC 4 weeks

I know its fall here in Kansas when in the morning the air is crisp and you can see just a bit of your breath. But most of all I know Fall is here when the days are bright with light and the late summer storms have passed and I for just a moment have had some really awesome days. I have always loved the seasons each one that comes and goes they take so long and we are always ready and waiting in excitement almost to see the next one come. But I like alot of my friends out there I am sure have always been to busy to see the awe in the seasons. Fall has come to where I live and the days have been just wonderful and I have taken full advantage of them because I don't feel so out of it so dizzy and my world for a moment has stopped spinning so fast and its passed me by. Its been a month since I have been on SERC for my MD and I have seen some great results. Just this past week I have noticed that I am not so heavy headed and I am not slurring my words like I have been. I seem to be keeping a conversation longer periods of time and with this weather my bed has only been slept in at night. I have 4 more week to go on SERC until I see the specialist at KU but for now I feel that its been working for me more than anything else that I have been put on. And I will say this much it doesn't put me out it sorta gives me a funny energized feeling like the blood it pumping through my body really fast which is what it is to do. Granted I have had bad days but they don't seem to be lasting as long only about 5 or 10 hours and I seem to be able to make it through without being totally drugged up and put out of my misery. Since I have stopped and slowed down and started to enjoy and see the beauty in every minute I have when I feel good (and good might be just standing up and not feeling like I was at the bar all night for to long) I have peace in my heart and content in my life and I am grateful for the small moments in my life. I feel like it is a vital necessity that I line up my thoughts with God's thoughts. I don't ever give up and I pray and yell at him for help if I have to. But little by little I feel like I am changing and the more I change the more my life will change for the better. I know there is a plan for me its a hard one to understand.. But today LORD again even thought I woke up with ringing in my ears so loud like a jet plane at least the say is bright and I am up ..

My family is my safe haven!

If I am to be honest and going to put my feeling out here in open space for ever to read. I might as well just say this. My family is my safe haven and my source of happiness. This is also true with my closes friendship.  Ive always been the kind of person that loved to be surrounded by relatives and friends and try to keep an excellent relationship to everyone. (this always seems to back fire on me but whatever) Without a beloved person to rely upon I feel insecure.(kinda sad isn't it) but now more than ever with my MD its so very true .. However, sometimes there are delicate people in everyone's lives like mine whose moods changes frequently and these particular people prove to be unreliable and though I wish I could ask them for help but I don't.  The fear of loneliness remains much more frightening option for me at this time that I still try to rely on them again and again.  However , again and again I am hurt and disappointed by them. Deep down I know its a default somewhere in both of us.. How does one get over this ? How does one just let it go? I have never been a person to let things slide off my shoulder its a curse i tell you.   I have always worn my feelings right there on my shoulders I hated that because everyone always knows what I am feeling.. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am a extremely sensitive person and I try to understand and accept anyone. I feel the most joy when those in my life feel comfortable and are at total ease being with me and accept my impulsiveness ways, my eccentric behaviors that seem to offend others all the time but I don't mean it to, and I never know why. The one thing that I know for sure that is never undisputed is with anyone who struggles with any kind of incurable chronic illness needs incredible support system.  Its very difficult to have loved ones that have  been there in my life that were immense role in my life what I thought were my strength and my rock. Over time just fade away because of not being able to handle what this disease does to someone.   I know that some will never leave my side no matter what I DO.  And above all things even with that,  I most of the time know my family no matter what happens will be in my life at least that's the hope.. Funny how when you are writing how clear things become.. Oh one more things before I go today .. Being its a great day today for once and im at least out of bed .. For me and the curse MD is at bay.. I pray every night before I lay my head down to sleep .. Lord .. will I awake afresh in the morning ? please make it your will.. or will this hell torment me a lifetime eternally through.. Today the LORD said HAVE A GOOD DAY KRISSY BLESS YOU LORD AND THANKS !!

Stop keeping score in my life !

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the pain and anxiety that I am feeling at time there are no words for what is going on inside me. Being totally in control of things is releasing the anxiety and panic I am feeling at times when things are good, when I am feeling good. But I am misunderstood for this. This angry feeling is poison and its poison's my days. I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state sometimes its a pressure cooker going to explode, I have feelings of rejection that I am not able to do things anymore.. i am not asked to do them not even asked to see .. given the chance to say no .
I need to see good in my life and stop feeling the self -pity and fast to anger to those I love. Help me to pay attention to the holy spirit with in me, help me to listen and help me to do whats right in my life, to avoid the temptations of the wrong , help me to calm my mind down to and feel the lords love with in me.. The sufferings that I have gone through are for good reason. I hope the sufferings I have had help me to help others going through the same things. I know that now is the time to be humble in myself. I need to stop keeping score in my life ! yes, this is what I will do .. I will do all out of love and will not expect anytime in return. Be humble when things for me get out of control I need to STOP! and remember that I am not in control of my life God is and I need to let him take over let him show me the way. My little girl libby who is 11 years old told me that she is angry at God for making me sick for giving me this disease. It hurts me to think she feels like this .. what do I say to her , how do I tell her that the lord our God is in control of all things and that I trust him. After much thinking.. I told her that its not God fault that I am sick, that I have this disease , that I am sick . He created me yes , but this body is for me to take care of and sometimes the body doesn't work right .. I pray to God for peace and that my suffering ends soon and that he helps me get through it . But I don't blame him for this disease . Yes I am angry but not at God! she looked at me with big eyes .. and said " mama I will pray that God gives your body a break." And right there I decided I needed to stop keeping score in my life of the stupid stuff that is still that gives me stress that puts me in the spinning world of vertigo of this disease..

Triggers? What ? Thanksfulness ?

When things happen in my life I feel its God telling me to change, to make different choices in my life because what I am doing isn't working! and to see.. what happens if things get better. wow I have to say this was if I still believe that this was a big WAKE UP CALL from God. MD Hello yes I am listening and after all this anger I think my number one trigger is the STRESS in my life . I have to do something for all the Stress in my life and take the time to Pray in my moments of dizzy fits. Even just a bit of arguing with anyone or my kids increases ear pressure and I feel dizzy and sick. Its frustrating that MD is so variable . I think this is why I have such bad anxiety episodes. I am my own person: I have always been very prideful of who I am and no matter what is going on in my life. I have been trying to listen and see the lessons that God is trying to teach me even through this curse madness that MD give you. I have started the new medication Serc and feel that only taking this medication for going on two weeks now I think I can feel something working inside me. I am feeling less heavy headed, fog headed and drunken dizzy at times. The ringing in my ears is the same still very loud and still very jet like but some reason I have some energy which its been such a long time for that.. Its hard to tell if anything is working I mean about one hour after you take this medicine one major side effect nausea yep I am only two weeks into this medicine and I am not sure how much longer I can take retching my lungs out with absolutely no idea of how to make it stop nothing makes it stop really.. Nausea medicine sure whatever still happens and after you take that you have to sleep the only good things I see about all of this is the other major side effect weight loss . yeah wonder why hello because you can't keep anything down after you eat with this medication and I take it three times a day . But I have to see the positive in something that is so painful .. and I refuse give up ! I believe that is will make a difference and then talk myself into it. I think that is the mind over matter theory my dad would be so proud.
Severe Bilateral Meniers ... lets just say SBMD , or BMD or MD whatever .. its fucken madness its compulsive nausea, the constant dizziness, the balance issue, the roaring ringing in my ears, hyperacusis, hearing distortions is so far all that is going on I can't think that there is much more that I can take of this .. but all of these things are horrendous to live with. Most days I feel I live life in as a drunk person that just got hit by a car . But some days there are good days. And on those days I want to go out and do everything .. See everyone and just enjoy everything we take for granted everyday .. Think about it ..driving , riding a bike, seeing a movie, going to lunch with friends and family, playing with my kids ...and so much more ... I pray that on my good days that I am given the chances to do all those things and that they don't pass me by ..
Be Thankful to God for all the blessings he has granted me. Thank you for my life for the breath I can take for such a blessed life. No Matter what my sufferings are I have so much to be thankful for .

If only Van Gogn Lived today !

Vincent Van Gogh, an Artistic briilliance and supposed madness had made him a focus of popular fascination. This 19th Century Dutch Painter suffered not from epilipsy or in sanity but from Meniers disease. Van Gogn was sent to the asylum because of "Fit's of madness" as he called them. If only Van Gogn lived today I have to wonder what would have been done for him.

Today I have started a new Drug its called Serc. It will take a few weeks to see if it will work in my blood system . So this is Day 1. three times a day ..

Today terrible headachs with a feeling that I am going to pass out the room is spinning around and bussing in my ears. I have taken my pills and feel heavily dopped up . I hate feeling this way and the only things to do is to just sleep it off. Depression is getting teh better of me again and I feel like isolating myself back into that dark place where its quite . I know that God has a place for me and its much better plan than my own. Sometimes it seems that its hard for me to give up that control and let God take over this for me. God I need him to step in and I give up. I need to trust in God I need to lean on my faith. I need him to get me through this hard times and also to keep me grounded when thingss are going not well. Today things aren't going well.. I can't keep my head straight with the weather and so I am taking my meds and closing my eyes.. Van Gogn was known as the"Mad Artist" well I know how he felt

Frustrated, Angry and Anxious Dizzy

I think everyone has to go through a time when they get told a diagnoses. Whatever it might be everyone had their own way of dealing with handling it. When I got told 8 years ago that I had Melanoma we caught it early . That it was going to be ok if I did 1, 2, 3... The big "c" At the time I had a 6 month old baby. But I did 1,2, 3.. all of it and in my heart I knew I could handle feel like crap on days and pretend that all was good even when I wasn't that well.. The pain that course of surgery and the chemo whatever it had to be I did and believe all was ok and it was.. My Faith has always been strong my lord has never given me anything I couldn't handle but I feel myself question this one?? I used to be a person that just dealt with it got it done and went on. This bi-lateral Menier's disease I can't pretend isn't there it effects everything i do everyday and it effects my family. It hurts and I resent it! This Dizzy, spinning, forgetfulness, brain fog, bobble head, ringing jet ears, feeling like I am drunk all the time sucks and that is the part that makes me so Angry ! I can't FAke being OK. I think everyone goes through a grieving process and its true, I have gone just right into being angry.. This picture just shows how much I feel today my eyes are all over the place i can't seem to get them straight and my head feel like someone is pulling it apart and it just looks like an Angry picture how I FEEL

... What do you see in this picture ? Who am I ? where did I go ? When is this ride going to stop? I am Frustrated and full of guilt that I can't help my kids when they sometimes need me. The weather efforts me sometimes so bad . Can't I suck it up ? When the day is over for them and they need me that's just it ..Can I, suck it up and pretend to be Normal ? So far NO.. I am angry and anxious that every morning that I never know if i am going to be able to hear or stand up at all and feel normal. My Normal is going to have to be different than everyone else! Is there anyone else out there that has the same feelings like I do ? I HATE THIS !! and I know that there are people out there that are judging me through this blog and telling me to just pull my big girl panties up and deal with what is going on and go on with life. I hope that they can put there judgments aside and pray for me instead. This does not kill you . This will not kill me !. RIGHT But it is a disease all the same .. .. But it just might drive me crazy I fear losing my mind , losing who I am ..

Proverbs 3 5-7 ...

Attitude toward the lord "Trust in the lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely on all your ways be mind full on him and he will make straight your path. Be wise in your own eyes, FEAR the lord and turn away from EVIL.. MY EVIL= is my ANGER!

Dizzy and Can't go to K-State:(

Finally, the storm arrived last night . Two days of low pressure which totally wipes me out and today looks like a beautiful day outside. Yesterday felt like someone was sucking the air out of the sky but today the humidity is gone and its a wonderful 78 degrees. I want so bad to just get up from this bed this morning and not feel like I went out and partied like it was 1999 last night (minus the party and going out of course) But I wake up already having anxiety even before I step a foot out of this bed I am stressed out. How is my body going to react today ? How is my body going to react physically that it just cascades from there and I don't even give myself a chance BECAUSE ITS ALWAYS THERE ! the spinning and head spinning the ringing ! But you want to know the Bitch of it all .. Anxiety causes Dizziness.. Are you freaking kidding me ! OH but don't worry I have a pill for this too that I take.. and breathing treatments to do deep breathing exercises.. Today is Saturday .. I had k-state tickets .. I wanted to go so bad to take my older daughter Libby with me and go she hasn't gotten to go for awhile . Just in the car like we used too.. not a worry in the world drop by the old KD house ... Go to the game .. Watch K-state maybe kick ass.. hm mm well yet another disappointment damn it !

What is Meniers disease? my Friends ..

I feel funny writing my feeling on this blog I have always been a huge writer but its always been so private. But sometimes I guess a door has to open up and maybe what I get out of this is for my friends and family to understand what I am going through so I don't have to explain it to them and they don't have to feel like they don't understand and I don't have to feel like they don't care. Also maybe to find someone or even others out there who understand what I am going through. All I know first of all is I Trust in God to fight this for me . He won't let me down even when I give up on myself I simply have to live through it and ask God to get me through it. The second thing I have to understand and accept but still haven't is that I didn't cause this , I don't deserve it, and there is no easy way to fix it, there is no cure for it, and I simply have to live through it. The third thing is to hold on and know that those who care about me will be right by my side to help me and I must let them help me...
ok enough about that stuff. back to what the hell Is Meniers or what we call it here at home MAN-EARS .. is a condition with vertigo , tinnitus and progressive deafness caused by a dysfunction of the endolymphatic sac in the inner ear. Fluid-filled sends signals of sounds and balance to the brain which now my brain can't handle because of all the fluid in the ear.. they can do brain surgery but they can't do anything about the ears go figure ?? .. Its unpredictable disease Tell me about it !!
Menieres disease is very rare for me at my age being a bi-lateral (both ears) two years ago one day I thought I was having a stroke totally dizzy couldn't stand up, couldn't hear, couldn't talk, my right side went numb, back then it when I look at it I wish it was a stroke that was something that could have been fixed.. Two years ago since then its been a very sudden and unexpected attack took place sending my world spinning around that hasn't stopped since . The doctors say it there isn't much to do but meds and diet. I spend alot of my time researching about this what others are doing about treatments and drugs its a crock of shit if you ask me.. It is all sum's up that I have fluid in ears that they can't get to in both when i stand up it makes me feel like I am drunk all the time.. While I am on the subject. my NORMAL day since then is feeling of spinning (vertigo) the ringing in the ears haven't stopped and my hearing is just horrible and getting worse... I would like those that read this blog to comment on there lives Normal or what you make it .. Everyone has something going on in there lives it would nice to know how shitty to know that you are having a shitty time too..

Will ever fn Rain ?

Two days of being very dizzy not that it ever really goes away being dizzy that is . But got the weather i have been waiting for it to just rain and get it over with so that I can get the pressure off my back and my ringing in my ears down but no no that can't happen and still no rain .. This Low pressure wipes me out and the only thing I feel like doing today is sleep but I can't because of the ringing in my ears is so bad and the spinning is bad nothing is ever going to stop the torture . I refuse to give up. Take a pill and hope it will rain soon..